In contemporary media, it is not uncommon to encounter women making definitive statements about what a “real man” would or wouldn’t do. As a man, I have heard it. As a teenager I’ve heard it. It is the same here in Southern California as it was in Brooklyn, NY back in the 80’s and 90’s.
The phenomenon of women espousing the qualities of a “real man” is laden with irony. Yet, they do it continuously and continually through their lifetime. Young women do make these statements to current or potential boyfriends. Women do it to their husbands. Middle-aged women do it to potential suitors after they find themselves single again.
It’s ironic because if a man ever made a statement about what a “real woman” would do, every woman within earshot would resort to shame, insults and guilt to shut him down and correct him.
Why isn’t it the same for women trying to label the qualities of a real man?
Let’s talk about the reasons why this is not only ironic but also indicative of the ridiculous double-standards of women, especially single women. By definition, women are not men and do not possess intrinsic knowledge of what it takes to be a man; many women did not grow up with a male figure at home to model this behavior; and even those who were raised by fathers often disregard their perspectives on the nature of men, preferring the opinions of other women.
Let’s explore these layers of irony in greater detail.
The Perspective Paradox
The first layer of irony lies in the inherent difference between men and women. Let’s start with the obvious: women, by nature, are not men. They haven’t experienced life through the lens of manhood. Take my friend Sarah, for example. She’s incredibly smart and well-read, but when she talks about what men should do, it’s clear she’s speaking from observation and expectations, not authority or lived experience.
Women, having never been men, can only offer an external viewpoint on what constitutes manhood. This perspective is fundamentally shaped by personal experiences, societal expectations, and cultural narratives, rather than an intrinsic understanding of male identity. While women’s opinions on men are valid and important, however, they don’t rise above the level of subjective.
The fact is, men are made, women are born. A man becomes a man by enduring and surviving the trials, tribulations and responsibilities brought on by society and then, achieving success according to his abilities. It is only after his accomplishments are stacked that a man’s perceived value to a woman is established.
A woman, on the other hand, is born with the ability to bear children, and she possesses the attributes that will attract many men to her. Each of these men will attempt to manifest his ability to provide and care for her. She need not do anything.
Additionally, if she is born exceptionally attractive, her perceived value to men increases because men are visual creatures. Most men will respect a woman’s education and her employment, but these aspects of her life do not weigh heavily on our decision to court her. The problem comes when women put great emphasis on these things and then expect men to follow.
Research shows that gender identity and behavior are deeply influenced by both biology and socialization. Men and women have different hormonal influences, developmental paths, and social expectations, all of which contribute to their distinct experiences and behaviors as reported in (Census.gov) and (Institute for Family Studies).
Therefore, when women prescribe behaviors or traits that define a “real man,” they do so from a perspective that is limited, often biased, and subjective.
Absence of Male Role Models
The second layer of irony involves the absence of male role models in the upbringing of many women. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 25% of children in the U.S. are raised in single-parent households, the majority of which are headed by women (GillespieShields). This means that a significant number of women may not have had a consistent male figure in their lives to model what being a man entails.
Emily, for instance, was raised by a single mom who did what she could. Yet, without a father or consistent male presence, Emily’s understanding of men was largely shaped by movies, books, and conversations with female friends.
Without a father or male guardian, these women might rely on societal stereotypes or media representations of masculinity, which are often exaggerated or idealized. Or, as is often the case, they rely on anecdotal representations of men by other women to form a basis of what is “the bare minimum”.
This reliance often leads to a skewed understanding of manhood, making their assertions about what a “real man” would or wouldn’t do even more ironic and potentially misinformed.
Disregarding Fathers’ Perspectives
The third layer of irony is found in the attitudes of women who were raised by fathers but choose to ignore their fathers’ insights into male nature. Many daughters may dismiss their fathers’ advice or explanations about men, instead turning to the opinions of other women or popular culture. This dismissal is ironic because it overlooks the firsthand experience and wisdom that fathers can offer about manhood.
Take my friend Jessica, who often had heart-to-heart talks with her dad. Despite his efforts to share his experiences and perspectives, Jessica often found herself leaning more on the opinions of her mother, aunties, girlfriends or popular culture.
Studies have shown that fathers play a crucial role in the development of their children, influencing their understanding of gender roles and interpersonal relationships (Census.gov) (Census.gov).
Jessica’s dad would often tell her, “A real man shows his love through actions, not just words,” but she would brush it off as old-fashioned, preferring the modern, more vocal affirmations touted by her friends.
When women reject their fathers’ input in favor of peer opinions, they miss out on valuable insights into the male psyche and behavior, further deepening the disconnect between their assertions about men and the lived realities of men themselves.
The Takeaway
So, what’s the point of unraveling these layers of irony? It’s to appreciate the complexity of defining manhood and to recognize that while women’s perspectives are valuable, they are just one piece of a larger puzzle. Conversations about gender and relationships can be more nuanced and informed when we acknowledge these dynamics.
Next time you hear—or find yourself making—a bold statement about what a “real man” should be, it might be worth pausing to consider the broader context. It’s a blend of lived experiences, societal influences, and, yes, a bit of irony. And maybe, just maybe, that realization can lead to richer, more empathetic discussions about what it means to be a man or a woman in today’s world.